Kyle or Cure: Morning Chats

It is horribly horrible weather today. Not like yesterday. Yesterday the sun was up bright and early and I thought I'd tell the early morning news people but as they're only interested in things 'coming in' and the weather was already there, I didn't.

Instead, I went to find a morning slot on TV where I could show kids some cool stuff that they can do to enjoy the winter sunshine, like making snow goggles or keeping warm on frosty days by doing keepy ups with an old sock (young socks don't know enough to be any good at keepy ups)

Well there were some kids' characters already there on Morning TV. It was brilliant! But only if you're under seven. It was a bit crowded so when a giant bee dusted me in flowertot pollen and made me sneeze, I decided to find somewhere else with a bit more room.

I found a huge room on the other side. It was so big, there were hundreds of people all sitting in the audience and several cameras but still plenty of room. The cameras were all trained on some chairs and a man in a sharp suit and very shiny teeth. The audience clapped too loudly for me to hear his name but it was something like a Scottish island, like Kyle or Arran or Mull. I told him it was too sunny to sit indoors but he said he had some guests.

Well kids like meeting new people and they deserve the best TV so I sat in one of the chairs and waited for Mull's guests. The first one was a burly woman with very bad teeth. She waddled in and Stornoway or whatever he was called asked her loads of boring questions. Well I was bored. It's not very interesting hearing about problems you don't really understand when you want to be playing outside. Her tattoos were quite interesting though. I think her name was Millwall.

Then it all kicked off. South Uist introduced his next guest and the Millwall woman went mad as a thin woman in fat jeans, thundered in. They were arguing about who had stolen whose man and who had the most babies by someone else and who had the best tattoo. To settle the argument Scapa Flow wheeled in a hundred blinged up babies. Most of them were crying which wasn't surprising, their designer nappies looked most uncomfortable: the boys' were low slung 'gangsta' Pampers and the girls' were all sporting Huggies 'thongs'.

Anyway the mums started at each other, yelling and shouting and the audience loved it. The Old Man of Hoy loved it too. I didn't love it and neither did the babies. We all cried because of all the noise and hate and anger in the room. And it was such a lovely sunny day. All I wanted was to make the most of the sunshine before it rains again but no one was listening. No one was interested in the babies or me. We were just accessories. Coffee time fight telly is no place for children.