Breakfast News

Today was day one of my “Find a slot on TV” campaign.

I was so excited last night I woke up extra early, even before the pigeons. When I got to ITV land, everyone was asleep except for some Hoobs. Have you noticed how the elderly get up really early? And they forget things a lot? That must be why there are so many old shows repeated first thing in the morning.

Anyway the Hoobs were very kind and told me where to go.

So I went there and found lots of news people. So it’s not just old people that are up early but news people too. Old news people must be so early, they get up before they go to bed.

It was very interesting in the news people place: there was a lady and a man with a big couch and a very important desk and lots of cameras. Behind them was a huge window into another room with lots of people sitting on wheelie chairs, waiting.

Everyone was waiting. I asked what they were waiting for but they wouldn’t say. They said they didn’t have time to answer stupid questions: they couldn’t afford to miss anything that might come in.



I said that if they were waiting for something to come in, they should watch the door. After all I had come in and no one noticed me until I asked them what they were waiting for.



I think the lady grew up watching Paddington Bear because she gave me a really good ‘hard stare’. But before I could ask her about her favourite children’s telly, something did come in. I didn’t see the door open but the people through the big window all went mad and rushed about on their wheelie chairs.



I laughed when they whizzed about but the lady shuffled her pile of papers at me. The Floor Manager started his count down so I cleared my throat and smiled at the camera to go on air. But the Floor Manager shoved me behind the desk out of sight.

It was quite crowded behind there.

There was a make up girl and a hamster who had to shred the lady’s papers and a man waxing everyone’s legs. The make up girl said it gives the newsreaders a sincere wince when reading out tragic stories. I kept out of the waxing man’s way.

Then just as the hamster was going to let me have a go at shredding, the reporters in the back room whizzed about on their wheelie, the waxing man went into overdrive and the lady winced sincerely:

something very big had come in!

It was very scary. They started using words like ‘child’, ‘explosive’, ‘went missing’, ‘patio’, and I think they said ‘yeti’ but it was hard to tell because...


the waxing man was a bit too diligent...




Anyway I was frightened. A big yeti had come into the building and if anyone’s patio had gone missing, the yeti was going to explode some children! And I didn’t understand and none of the grown ups would tell me anything. All they kept saying was, this is far too important for kids and I should get out of the way.

I hid in the shredder and shut my eyes tight for ages in case the yeti or anything else big came in.

Then when I opened them, everyone had gone home and I had been thrown in the paper-recycling bin. I expect any children who had to watch were as confused as me.

It just needed someone to explain things. But there is no place for children in early morning news.

Baftas for Kids Progs!

It was very very exciting last night! I went to the Children's Baftas! I'd been feeling just like Cinderella because everyone was going except me. Anyway, I'd polished my pumpkin just on the off chance, like you do and it obviously worked because six very sweet white mice lugged it all the way up the M4 to the London Hilton.

I caught the train. Just as well. The white mice were taken for hors d'oeuvres by the Happy Feet penguins and the pumpkin didn't survive the valet parking. I hope all those BBC executives' smart cars fared better.

Everyone always says award ceremonies are glittering events and goes on about how gorgeous everyone looks but if there was a red carpet, it was covered in pumpkin when I got there. I reckon London Lite will have plenty of pictures of glamourous children's presenters and raucous under fives animators tumbling in and out of cabs. So I'm giving you a different perspective.

From under the table. Of course as the evening went on, a number of independent producers joined me. And if you want to have a burping competition in which the winner is the one who best burps the name of a children's channel: Jetix is really hard to burp, much harder than than Nickelodeon. The best name to burp is Cbeebies. It deserved to be Channel of the Year.

Here are the Secret Show guys receiving the award for Best Animation. Unfortunately when the Secret Show guys went up, I got tangled up in the table cloth. But it doesn't matter because I expect they'll be all over the papers for the next week at least- I mean, children's television is very very important so I'm sure the press will honour the people who entertain their children. Don't you?

Here are a few more of my pictures from under the Bafta tables. I couldn't see who everyone is but you might be able to tell me who's who.

A sensible executive?

Or someone in children's factual preparing for its funeral?

Was Squidwort a guest of Nickelodeon? Or is someone getting cold feet about investing in kids?

Who needed the luck of the Irish to win?

Who hasn't signed the Downing Street Petition and is relying on lucky socks to save children's television?

Who received their award barefoot?

And who is tramping all over children's telly?

Who was pitching to who?

It was a great night. Some of the shoes I recognised and even though they ate the mice, the penguins from Happy Feet were very friendly. In fact they got very excited around ITV people. Kept saying they could smell something fishy.

I hope next year I am able to go and maybe even sit up at a table! Maybe kids telly will be able to sit up at the table as well. After all, it's been surviving on crumbs for ages and the crumbs are getting smaller.

Parliament Peeps Publish Ponderings

It's sunday so I'm playing at colour supplements:

Last week those Culture, Media and Sporty people in Parliament finally finished their colouring in and let everyone see what they've been working on.

In their big new report, they say that they hope that ITV doesn’t stop any more of its programmes for kids! That’s brilliant news because I was seriously worrying about ITV. I mean, they've let Sooty go. Sooty!

Here I am a brand new kids’ character and all ready to go out and make great telly but where do I go? Yep there are LOADS of channels but for most of them you need a mid-atlantic accent and the BBC channels are rammed with stuff already. So I’m really pleased that that report from the parliament peeps said that Michael Grade, who is very important, said that ITV was doing its bit for children.
In fact it’s really EXCITING!!!

I wonder what Michael Grade’s favourite kids’ programme was. I guess he was a kid once. He wasn’t born grown up was he? He is very important so maybe he was born already wearing a pinstripe suit. It would have made changing his nappy an adventure. Maybe he had pinstriped pampers. I'll ask him when I see him.

But to even get near Mr Grade, I need to be far more important. Still, as there are 11 million kids in Britain then kids’ characters like me should be pretty important becaue that’s a big chunk of the audience. So I’m very optimistic. ITV land here I come!

What this is all about

This blog thing is all about me. I'm a brand new kids'character created to become a much loved kids' character who enhances the lives of countless children in the future, just like Spongebob and Bungle and Johnny Ball who all taught countless children to count.

Cos children do count. And not just on their fingers. They are important and special and precious. And just like they shouldn't be fed rubbish food but need a variety of high quality yumminess to help their bodies grow strong and healthy, so they also need lots of high quality fun things to help their spirits grow strong and healthy too. And that includes telly.

So I'm about to fulfil my destiny. I've done the training - I didn't have a mentor like a jedi who spoke, but I can still make a light sabre noise and more importantly can conduct interviews bouncing on a trampoline, have my own skateboard and my own fur. And it's purple, which is definitely a good qualification I've always thought.